There was a time, I would have done anything to be beautiful. I worked in the fashion industry; day in and day out I was surrounded by airbrushed perfection. All the women were skinny, tall, toned and tanned and had bodies anyone would dream of. And then there was me. Short, overweight, and ugly (or so I thought). 8 to 10 hour work days left me lost in my head, begging myself not to feel dizzy or weak because then someone might see the piggy eating. I remember one time in particular working on a set, it was 6 hours into a shoot and I was starving. I asked if I could take a break only to have my request met with a long winded response, "Maybe if you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't be so fat!" I wish I could say in that moment I knew that person was wrong, but I believed them. Maybe if I just starved myself more, then I would be beautiful like the models.
It was shortly after that time that I started my first diet. I remember sitting in my coaches office, and she posed the question, "On a scale of 1 to 10 how important is weight loss to you right now?" I laughed, and embarrassingly replied "It's a 10, if I had to stand on my head 8 hours a day to be beautiful, I would." Looking back, I'm still extremely saddened by that comment. I was convinced the only way anyone would ever consider me to be beautiful was if I was skinny. I know now that not to be true.
Let's fast forward from that point, to the end of that story. I will tell you that getting to my goal weight took awhile. It was everything but straightforward and simple. I lost a significant amount of weight only to become pregnant and gain it back, plus more. I found myself over 200 pounds and had to get back on the wagon. It wasn't even hard. I was so disgusted with myself and I swore I would not stop until I looked good in a bikini, it had always been a goal. So I stuck with my diet program, and the weight came off. 10 pounds, 25 pounds, 50 pounds, 75 pounds, 90 pounds down. I lost 90 pounds by the time I was finished. I stopped my diet at 115 pound with 15% body fat. But I still didn't look good in a bikini. This is where things got scary.
I became obsessed. I had to look better. I wanted to get into that stupid bikini. So I started working out regularly. I'd go for a 30 minute run most mornings, I'd work out with a trainer 3 times a week, and I did my own workouts most nights after work. My life revolved around my food journal. Everything was calculated. Nothing went in my mouth unless it had been entered and I knew it was "safe". By safe foods, and I need to emphasize this, I was living on vegetables and meat. I'm not talking about ketogenic dieting either, and if it sounds like it, please know I do not claim I was following a healthy keto diet at this point. I was living on protein powder, chicken breast, white fish and lettuce with 1 cup of vegetables a day. I was miserable.
At least I was close to my goal, right? Unfortunately, I wasn't. I still had this mom body I hated, it just looked like a skeleton now with bones poking out all over the place. People commented on my appearance. I was told I looked too thin, that I looked sick. I was asked if I was eating, and friends wanted to watch me put food in my mouth. But they were just jealous. I had more self control than they did, and if I could just lose 5 more pounds I could be happy. It was always just 5 more pounds.
I never lost those 5 pounds. I wish I could tell you I took it gracefully, but that would be a lie. It took a lot of self-discovery and growth to get to the point where I can say "I'm never going to look like a model and that's okay." See there was lots happening I had no idea about. Low body fat percentage can result amenorrhea, low libido, disordered eating, loss of bone density and social isolation. It doesn't necessarily mean you are healthy. Some people may never be able to achieve those 6 pack abs because it just isn't part of their genetic makeup and I've accepted I am one of those people. I've also realized that I am a beautiful individual (regardless of my weight), who loves to enjoy good food. I've learned the stress of hating myself truly led to my demise and I've accepted that balance and moderation leaves me with a healthy life I love.
This picture is a great analysis of the cost vs goals I'm referring to in this blog. What did that 15% body fat percentage cost me and was that goal really worth that pay out? In my opinion, NO! I missed out on social events, I missed out on drinks with friends, I missed out on baking cookies with my son. Those are the things that make life bearable and I want your goals to be something that excites you, and something that you know you can achieve and will.
5 tips to achieving your health goals:
1. Make your goals SMART- Did you know without a goal, you are only about 37% likely to achieve success? Studies show goal setting leads to improved performance. You just have to make sure your goal is important to you.
2. Determine What You Will Do And Will Not Do- this fits in with being realistic with your goals. If you know you will never be a gym rat, don't make your goals so that you need to live in the gym. If you know social eating is a part of your life, don't make your meal plan so rigid you can't have any fun.
3. Be Strict but Flexible- when you set goals for yourself you have to hold yourself accountable. It's the only way you will ever achieve them and it's just that simple. You will only cheat yourself out of results if you don't follow through. With that being said, it's so easy for us to become very hard on ourselves. It's important to be firm with your goals so that you achieve them, but beating yourself up won't help either. Do the best you can during the day, and then be at peace because you have done the best you can.
4. Practice Self Love- I know this sounds like some KUMBAYA nonsense, but I can not emphasize the importance of self love. The truth is, you may or may not achieve your goal, but it does not make you any less amazing. You shouldn't be holding out on fitting into a pair of skinny jeans to be happy, you should be happy now. I highly recommend the book "You are a Bad Ass" by Jen Sinero to guide you into self love.
5. Cancel Out Negative Thoughts- This one will sound crazy, but did you know our thoughts create pathways which form our thought processes? In other words, the more you think about something, the more you will think about it. Pretty straight forward right? It goes deeper than that. If every time I look in the mirror I think "wow I look like shit", then that will become what my brain knows to be true. The only way around this is to challenge those thought processes. When a negative thought comes to your mind, say "Cancel that" and then say 3 positive things about whatever you were thinking about. This will force the brain to focus on positives rather than negatives and eventually, with enough practice, you won't think those negative thoughts anymore. Why is this important? Because you will always be your own worst critic. You will always see your own imperfections.
If we never stop hating on ourselves, our brain will always think hateful things. The way to truly loving yourself is to start today with who you are now. Don't wait for tomorrow.
Cheerfully,
Serial Dieter 911
***thanks to https://www.precisionnutrition.com/cost-of-getting-lean for the image
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