Today I'm going to share my personal weight loss journey. Weight loss has always been on my mind. As long as I can remember, my weight was what determined my value. I tried every diet, cutting calories, even to the point of down right starvation. In 2012 I got on an amazing weight loss program and almost got to my goal weight. As luck would have it, by getting healthier I was blessed with a beautiful child. Pregnancy did not treat me well though, and when I finally got to hold my little boy, I was faced with the disgusting reality that all that weight I gained was not just baby weight. I was devastated when I looked at myself. How could I have let my weight get so out of control. I told myself I was disgusting, I was ugly, I was destroyed, my body was ruined. I hated myself. I tried my best to eat healthy, but it accomplished next to nothing. Turns out I had never learned how to eat healthy, I only knew how to diet. Eventually I got back on a diet program and saw amazing success. I dropped 90 pounds. I was so proud of myself. I was involved with a weight loss support group and I was crowned the queen of our chapter, and the third largest looker in Alberta. I finally was thin and beautiful.
Unfortunately it was short lived. Once again, I had not learned how to eat healthy but how to diet. The only way I knew how to maintain my weight was with unrealistic restrictions. I ate very rarely and when I did, I ate very little while avoiding entire food groups. I was miserable. I hated going out for dinner and going to family functions. My life revolved around strategic caloric calculations to maintain my weight, and as I believed, to maintain by value and worth.
Then one day, I broke down, and I ate everything. The entire cabbage patch, the cattle field and Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I couldn't believe how out of control I felt and my only goal was to clean the weight off. And so I entered a vicious cycle. Starve, binge, repeat.
Finally I got myself under control. I accepted that I needed to eat like a human in order to stop the cycle, and I tearfully watched my weight come back on pound by pound. This was my moment of realization. Something needed to change. Through tons of research, meal planning and support I began eating healthy. Eating normal. No it wasn't the normal I ate before I began my journey, but it became my new normal. I was able to indulge occasionally and eat healthy the rest of the time without having to deprive myself and eventually my weight stabilized. And then, it even began to drop again.
It took a lot of time, and a lot of work, but slowly I started hearing people cheering me on again. People told me how healthy I looked and how beautiful I looked. During this time I realized, I do not want to be a size zero. I like making cookies with my son, I love going for beer and wings with my friends, and it's fun to go for all you can eat sushi. These are the things that are important. But how do you live a happy healthy care free life?
If you've read through all of this, I congratulate you. Something I said must have reached out to you. If that's the case I will share a secret with you. "It's a challenge every day." My life now revolves around day to day choices, one of the hardest being to put myself first. There are good days, and there are bad days. I remind myself to celebrate the good days and be gentle with myself on the bad. The truth is I've blown it more times than I want to admit, however the most important thing is that failure is not falling down, it is refusing to get back up.
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